I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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