i was born a porn star she said
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
