In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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