i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
