At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
