I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
only you would photoshop your dick
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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