Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
