exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
