On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
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