yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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