I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm passing your future prison.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize