Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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