If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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