He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
