i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
