i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
