I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
