Umm I'm too high to move.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
