literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
