my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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