Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
