Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
