Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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