i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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