so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
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Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
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I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize