It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
