I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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