i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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