my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
