It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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