I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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