Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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