Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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