btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize