having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
