Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
