Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
