my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
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