I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
