ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
