Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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