DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Randomize
