Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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