On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
