Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
