Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
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