I wanna bring you to show and tell
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
