DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
