I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
