He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
