Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
