I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
