shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
