3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
