I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
