How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
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Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
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No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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