I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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