i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
