Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
