There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
