she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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